Where did that urge come from?

For some odd reason, I got around to making 2 blueberry pies today,
single crust version which had to be put back in for a longer bake time
so the cornstarch had a chance to set up and jell with the juices. Then
I got to finally cutting the free head of cabbage into two pieces (it
weighed 2.5 pounds) and shredded one half and used a slaw dressing
recipe we found earlier this year for a purple head of cabbage that when
it finally had a chance to do what it did, tasted like our favorite
Marzetti slaw dressing. I might use a cup of Blue Cheese salad dressing
in place of the light mayo to make that missed variant of Marzetti's
product. I had to put celery seeds and salt on separately because I
don't have celery salt. I might try shredding a couple carrots and add
them in. I used Dijon mustard instead of the standard Yellow stuff and I
think it has a nice flavor. The other half of the cabbage was also
shredded and I'll make and freeze some okonomiyaki with that.

Then for some reason I made a couple pizzas from scratch, dough in the
bread machine and all.

Things I miss are having Mom tell me she wants the expensive Pepperidge
Farm stuffing and looking for a cheap turkey, around $10, and then
making the sweet potato dish that she likes but I find inedible. These
past 3 or so years I produced nice looking roasted turkeys, cooked with
a golden brown color and roasted so long and slowly that it fell apart,
with every bit juicy and delicious. Then gathering up the juices and
making a nice smooth gravy (or grane' if you like) with a tablespoon or
two of sifted flour. No, you don't need a special Gravy Flour for this!

Then a couple of years in a row, I made delicious Shwarma sandwiches
(thanks to a dear friend for the spices) with the leftover turkey. Oh my
we all loved those!

I might get around to roasting the chicken I got last week, and making
the chicken stuffing, along with a toned-down green bean casserole once
I figure out how to french fry some onions. If French's can do it, I
should be able to as well. I still have a can of cranberry sauce sitting
in the cupboard from earlier this year. Man, the price of cream of
mushroom soup at WalMart is twice what Aldi's charges.

But every time I think about how mom would have liked those pizzas and
what I'm not doing this year, I break down and sob. I didn't even get to
say goodbye. I wasn't even invited to dinner anywhere. I don't know if I
would have gone, but it would have been nice to be invited all the same.

The holidays at this time of year used to be fun, but for some reason at
some point, I don't know when, it became a pain in the ass and
depressing. It's not Seasonal Affected Disorder. It's something else.
With mom not here, it's even more depressing.