Is this depression?

Well it had to happen.

Combined with the running out of propane on Christmas, and having to
scramble to put $750 in mom's checking, only to have a $191 check for
her meds bounce earlier that same g-damn day, and then realizing the
crap she did in the past 2 months put her in another financial hole...

She bought my nieces christmas gifts off Amazon and eBay. She bought the
dog some stuff she didn't need. She had my sister get her stuff from
Sam's club we didn't need!!! She got a case of "thrush" and had to spend
$50 on some stupid medication to get rid of that!!

The gifts mom wrapped for my nieces are still sitting around the 4 foot
fiber optic tree she also didn't need!!! (well, for one reason of
illness or another, this is somewhat explanable, but unwrapped gifts
that were supposed to be opened on Christmas is depressing to look at.)

There's were her f-ing $191 medications went!!!!!

We finally filled out the HEAP application for aid to pay her electric
and propane for heat. She had better well call the county human services
department and get an appointment to sign up for medicaid which would
pay for her medications. She didn't have to spend her own SSDI money on
what she didn't need to spend it on... She's Disabled, and should have
had her hand out asking for all the stuff she's supposed to get!! I
don't understand this sh!t...

When I put money to cover the propane check in her account from some of
my own money and savings, I was a little depressed. Then the letter from
the credit union saying before I came in they bounced the $191 check
that same day because she didn't have enough to cover it. Must have been
$35 before they deducted the $15 fee. Now I gotta go out there and hope
I can put around $200 in there before the $191 check is processed again
or even before the $750 one bounces as well!!!!!

Things she had my sister by at sam's club included coffee creamer
(powdered) which I get $1.29 at Aldi's in big containers. Why the hell
get the crap at Sam's club??? And then the container of clothes soap!! I
bought a gallon of stuff for $2!! Then the rolls of film... and the
smoked turkey we didn't f-ing need. She did it again, and this time it's
likely to be the last. She spent money she had no business doing, she
won't delete her ebay or paypal accounts, and I'm getting fed up. If I
have to get her power of attorney somehow so she'll stop wasting money
she doesn't have, I will.

It's probably depression she's causing me to have. I wish I could get
away somehow. Disappear or something. I can't stand it. I don't know why
she wants to just disappear, get fat, and not fight for herself. She'll
have to settle the BWC suit to get money. I'll bet we'll have to sell
her car, she'll have to close out her 401k. I wish she had turned 62
already, then maybe she could get a reverse mortgage on grandpa's house
in her name and be able to live more or less OK for some time. I need to
get married and move out. Problem is, if we should get separated, I'll
likely never see my family ever again. Some I won't speak to, the rest I
won't have time because I'll be too busy trying to live. They might as
well be dead at that point.

I hate the holidays, and even more so now.

Beehive epilogue

I hope this is the absolute final time we have to deal with that beehive
from last year.

Once again, though this time we should have been checking it, we ran out
of propane, just before 4 am or so Christmas morning. I know because
that's when I woke up from being too cold and checked the furnace pilot
light. It was out, while the water heater still had enough to keep
going, which was quickly done when my mom got up and rinsed her coffee
cup later on. Maybe we should be checking the gauge every day to better
regulate our usage of propane...

Anywho, so I decided, at 4 am or so, to clear away the stuff around the
"Better n Ben's" fireplace insert which thankfully was not removed by my
older sister when she went on her rampage throwing away my grandparents
things, either by extremely cheap yard sale or just in the garbage
instead of letting us make money on eBay.

And so I begin to make a fire. It has a flue control thingy and it's
open all the way. This thing does a nice job with the heat stuff. I
probably could even cook on it, and I got the teapot we had used before
but wasn't being used now and filled it with water and put it on the
wood burner thingy. I used it as a gauge to tell me how hot the thing
got because it made a noise when the water was in its various stages of
boiling. Had I been in the mood during the day for tea or something, I
had ready access to the proper hot water. (grin)

After a while, I don't know how long, but at one point when I had the
fire going pretty well, something fell down the chimney. Then after a
while something else smaller also fell down. Ah. From the sounds, it
must have been the beehive's remains. Good. It's off the sides of the
chimney's walls.

Later on the AmeriGas guy shows up. Mom made a call to get some sent
out, and being Christmas and all, it would be an extra emergency charge,
and asked for the minimum amount to be delivered. Some time after 4 pm
(mind you, during the daylight hours, we were cooking and I was tending
to the fire, using a small fan to spread the heat out of my room into
the basement to keep the pipes warm - so we weren't cold and suffering
like similar winter conditions last year...) the guy shows up, does a
leak test, and accidentally puts in more than what mom ordered. He says
it was his mistake not watching what he was doing, but don't worry about
it now, let's just get the heat on again.

Anywho, this morning around 5 am. I wake up with a bit of sinus headache
that went away after a while. Ah... The guy last night checking the
exhaust from the furnace says it's not quite drawing things out like it
should and should be checked.

Well, I couldn't wait for help, and dismantled the exhaust pipe from the
furnace to the chimney. Part of the beehive remains, now somewhat ashy
and cremated, had fallen down and partially blocked the opening for the
furnace pipe. Ah. So I get a box, the poker and shovel for the
woodburner and proceed to dig it all out. Stinky and all. I used a
vacuum cleaner to get the rest out. Air flow returned.

I'm getting to know my grandfather's furnace pretty well. Hopefully it's
info I can use later.

Just Merry [bleeping] Christmas

Looks like we'll be spending the weekend trying to keep warm.

Woke up some time after 4 am today, wondering why it's colder than
usual. Oh my God... We can't be out of propane can we? I think we are. I
check the pilot light for the hot water heater and it's lit. But the
furnace isn't. It won't stay lit. oh great. Just enough to keep the hot
water heater lit, but not enough pressure to run the furnace...

I found the info for contacting AmeriGas. I hope Mom can make a decision
as to how much can be afforded. Seeing as how this is Christmas, the
local office that would service us is closed until Monday, so naturally
this would be an emergency charged service call. Just great.

So I cleared out the area around the fireplace insert that Grandpa had
put in years ago and set it to good use, burning stuff (paper, newspaper
mostly) and trying to see how well that will heat the basement. T.T

Sucks to be poor. But I've managed to warm it up 5 degrees in the time
so far I've burned in the "Better n Ben's" thingy. Thank God this little
thing that Grandpa installed wasn't removed.

More on Miso Soup

Some helpful people with hints...

"Whisk the miso paste a little and then strain it back into the pan.
Take it away from the heat."

"The way I've been taught to do this step (by a Japanese friend) is to
put the miso paste in a large ladle and lower the ladle into the pot of
(boiling) water containing the other soup ingredients. You lower the
ladle only just enough so that some of the water spills over into it.
Then you start stirring right in the ladle which causes the miso paste
to dissolve. When you finish dissolving that clump of miso, you draw out
enough of the soup to taste (after it cools slightly off course) and see
if you need to add any more miso paste."


"We have miso all the time at home, but usually the instant Aka Miso we
get in the supermarket here. Now we can make the "real deal" using the
miso paste we have in the fridge."


"If you can get them, scallions might be easier. No need precooking.
Leeks are typically tougher, & I think you usually use just the white
part of those. If you're lucky, you can find naga negi, which looks kind
of like a cross between green onion & leeks. Even here in hawaii they
are a bit harder to find, and cost more. Those make the nice big
slivers. If you're feeling really ambitious, you can make dashi from
scratch. But you'll need piles of katsuo-bushi, dried bonito flakes. And
dashi konbu optional as additional flavor. Bring water to a boil, throw
in bunch of konbu. I don't recall if you wait for water to reboil or
not. Throw in katsuo. When water comes back to boil remove & strain out
solids. I think the konbu doesn't mater too much, but it's fairly
important not to overboil the katsuo. Basically in the time it takes for
the water to come back to a boil, all the good flavor has been
extracted. If you keep boiling, you start loosing flavor & start to
extract junk flavor. That's what my mom tells me. We've only done this a
couple times, it's easier to just cop out & use the packaged dashi mix.
Oh, and if you're feeling real really ambitiuous, find a block of dried
katsuo & shave the flakes yourself! Me & my friends only did this once.
It's a lot of work. But I remember when I was a kid helping my mom shave
the katsuo.!"

"Nowadays it's pretty hard to find the blocks of dried katsuo. & my mom
gave the shaver away to us. The shaver is like a wood planer upside down
with a box under it. It was some work, but it seemed to taste better.
Actually probably does, same way as freshly ground spices have more
aroma & flavor. Sorry, I don't have any measurements, it was all trial &
error."

"Miso comes in different varieties too, so you'll want to experiment
with that too. Some will be sweeter, saltier. Different colors. Smooth
and 'chunky'. BTW, miso can be a great ingredient in salad dressings!
And if you want to diverge more into ozoni (traditional New Years soup)
you can start w/basic miso soup but add in various things like mochi
(sticky rice cake), carrots, gobo (burdock root), bits of chicken,
shiitake (mushroom), take no ko (bamboo shoots), whatevers. Various
regions have their own traditions. Here in hawai a friend said something
about including ingredients that symbolizes various things. I didn't
know about this. My mom makes a super simple ozouni for new years, not a
miso base, but just a dashi & shoyu soup base w/a grilled mochi ball &
slivered green onion. Mmmm..."


"I have to admit, I buy instant miso. My shop has two types - one's just
this powder (which is miserly with the dehydrated tofu) and the other is
the one I buy. It is a two-stage mix - a sachet of concentrated miso
paste with a sachet of garnish. I can't tell you what brand it is
because I don't recognise the kanji, but the company mascot is a cartoon
of a girl in seiza in a ceremonial kimono. My shop stocks two types of
miso from this brand - a packet of eight servings of the popular tofu
miso (tofu and shallots garnish) and a pack of eleven servings of miso,
with five different garnishes (2 of four and 3 of the fifth). It's just
easier in the morning for the half-asleep me to squeeze the miso paste
out into my bowl, shake the garnish out over it, and then hang over the
kettle and wait."

Da.

Stuff and such for today (so far)

Well, the toenail on my left big toe finally fell off. I helped it after
it became annoying to walk with it in place. I think a new nail is
growing back. (Sorta gross to start off with that, ne?)

Last Thursday one of my penpals in Japan sent me a package! She had a
baby back in September, and I sent her a gift, a baby scrapbook. In the
meantime, I also sent her some Ren & Stimpy items she collects, so I
could only imagine what she'd send in trade. Imagine my surprise I got
not only 1 but 2 photos of her new daughter! She also included some nice
Mermaid Melody anime cel production drawings (there's some other sheets
I can only guess are dialogue sync sheets?), as well as the surprise of
the package. A Talking Buddy (oshaberi nakayoshi) Luna plushie! OMG! I
guess the bib and the baby scrapbook were well appreciated. ^_^

Studio Ironcat finally notified me that they received my payment for an
order I placed back at the end of August. It appears their offices were
being relocated and my envelope was in their local USPS lost and found
all this time, as well as Ironcat having some computer troubles that
finally got resolved. Steve himself sent the email to say my order had
been shipped. ^_^

I'm so glad I don't work at that steenking restaurant anymore. I've not
been abused by management where I work now. The people are generally a
whole lot nicer and intelligent, though a few can be irritating. I don't
have to work too hard or be in a stressful workplace. I still think they
were looking for a reason to get rid of me because I wouldn't quit, and
just made the situation bad. Oh yes, I plan to do something about it.

Still fighting the good fight for what I believe in...

A recipe for Miso Soup

Here's how one member of one mailing list I get does it...

For 4 servings:

1 young leek

8 ounces of tofu

4 cups of dashi (broth - fish or seaweed, but mainly bonito (fish) )

3 tablespoons of miso paste

Wash and dry the leek, then slice as finely as possible on the diagonal.
I've noticed restaurants cut two different parts of the leek. They
either cut up the leafy part or the white stem part. Cut the tofu into
small cubes.

Heat the dashi in the saucepan. This would be the hardest part for me. I
bought a bag of dashi no moto and still have a hard time getting a
proper amount for just one serving. (It's really strong stuff.) For me,
I usually heat 1/2 tabespoon with 2 cups of water. Whisk the miso paste
a little and then strain it back into the pan. Take it away from the
heat. Ladle the soup over the tofu and leeks into bowls. I decided to
slightly boil the leeks with the miso to make it softer.

Thanks to Bernard B for sharing this.