When I walked in today, I was welcomed with flashing lights and sirens!

Nothing like a doctor's office visit to make one feel like a fat piece of shit.

Hospital food not that bad

I had heard about the horrors of hospitals for years, the least of which was about the food. As it turns out, those horrors no longer exist for the most part.

I was truly impressed by how good the meals were at Alliance and Hillcrest Hospitals. A damn shame Anthony Bourdain never did a show featuring it. If I remember right, both places had a system in place to let you choose what you wanted. Hillcrest went steps further - I was given a pamphlet menu and at first I was on a very limited menu. So I had to get creative. Light yogurt with cereal worked out well since milk wasn't allowed. Applesauce in vanilla Greek yogurt worked out well, too.

And the kitchen or whatever it was called knew better than I on what and how much was allowed. I would get shot down if I tried to order too much. I worked with only the information in front of me. They must have had a computer to keep tabs on sodium, for example.

It became a ritual to call down on the in house telephone to order meals and have to confirm my birthday each time. At first I was on a very limited renal failure diet - imagine my delight when I got told I was suddenly on the Heart Healthy menu - cereal and chocolate milk! Yes!!

I was determined to at least try everything once. And I found out you had to be clear and specific, otherwise they'd screw up something or forget something. Only once did I order something that was not what I thought it was. And boy did Hillcrest's chefs know how to cook a burger. I relaxed the day I had one.

I discovered my love for fresh cut pineapple. And found that Swiss cheese makes great grilled cheese sandwiches along with tomato soup. I used to hate Swiss cheese. What happend??? I also discovered Italian Ices at Hillcrest and had 2 lemon flavored servings secreted to me. I thought that was awesome. I had to eat one quickly and hid the other emptied into my water mug.

Only once did the kitchen lose my order. And it was almost torture to order and then have to wait up to an hour before the meal was delivered. Stuck in bed or in a chair for most of my time and suddenly food becomes a very important part of your day.

I was sad to have been discharged from Hillcrest the week a new menu came out and this one had spicy lo mein noodles on it. Oh well...

Things I hated from being in the hospital

I learned there are many things to dislike about hospitals. I had never been in one for my whole life up until this year. Now I'm suddenly thrust into the healthcare system and I have no idea what I'm in for.

They still do X-ray imaging. Each time one was done, I was reminded of how my mom earned an X-ray operator certificate but I never found out why she never got a job as an X-ray technician. Everywhere I went there was an X-ray done. They catch them digitally now. No film to develop. I would always ask for a 5x7 and some wallets and Christmas card prints, but they wouldn't give me any. Hey, I posed for you - that's the least you could do!

Ultrasounds of my heart and various other spots were interesting. I wanted a snippet of audio they got from my heart as a ringtone but never managed to get it. I rather liked them checking blood flow in my feet - I looked forward to hearing it.

I rather resented all the deciliters of blood drawn for testing. Not once was I told what they found. I resented the daily draws now that I found out the INR test can be done with a simple finger stick and needs a small drop of blood. I still don't know my blood type. I hated the sensation of the stick. If it hadn't been for my Asperger's, I might have gotten used to it, but sensory issues made the "pinch" feel like getting a roofing nail in my arm.

I once asked a nurse at Hillcrest when the daily blood draws ever stop, and she just laughed at me and said, "That's a joke." eh.... I guess not until I get discharged. And then even after getting to McKinley Health Care Center, they did it once or twice a week - still not told the results. So when the visiting nurse started coming here, she asked if my INR was stable, I had to tell her I didn't know because I was never told.

I also now detest catheters. I begged them to not put one in, but my demands were ignored. Embarrassing - I had my dignity surgically removed and shredded while in the hospital. 2 girls and a guy saw my tallywhacker as he got the tube in. I'm not proud of it - it's nothing special. I had hoped to wait until I was married before a girl I loved saw it.

I had painful pinching and uncomfortable sensations while it was in. Pulling it out was interesting to say the least. It was like suddenly feeling warmth in your urethra. Having control over your own urination was a gift from a god. I had to masturbate to make sure all the pipes were still fine, and to my relief, they were.

Having to shit in a bed pan in front of a nurse and 2 other girls was embarrassing. I don't know what they saw, but when I unloaded a mountain, they giggled a bit and had to leave the room. Well, I was not allowed out of bed for much of my time at Hillcrest. Having other people assist me when shitting was mortifying. I apologized every chance I could even when I was told this was their job to do. So you can imagine the amount of personal joy when at McKinley I was not just able to reach, but also able and alllowed to wipe myself.

Also, when you get admitted to a hospital and they ask you psychiatric questions, don't go and say you had thoughts of suicide and self harm. You get denied a lot of things and get treated in a crazy way. Hillcrest had me getting paper plates and plastic forks and spoons for meals -never saw a plastic knife once. Getting handled with kid gloves barely describes what I experienced. They even stole the flowers my aunt and a cousin sent from Texas.

Oh, I got more.

3.5 months later...

Well, here I am. Nearly 4 months later. Early in July, I had a visiting nurse from Aultman visit me and after seeing my leaky legs thought I could have had infected cellulitis. This brought up the ordeal my best friend's mother in law went through from her fight of it, some of which was spent in a coma as doctors figured out how to treat it. That scared me. So I voluntarily went to the ER at Alliance Community Hospital assisted by my younger sister. After almost a week there, I was transported to Cleveland Clinic's Hillcrest Hospital where I was for another 2 weeks. 

The physical and mental stress of being forced to move by an evil, promise-breaking, selfish, and ignorant Candice Castle (she is no longer considered family but estranged at best) nearly killed me. This whole ordeal should not have happened. It didn't need to happen. Hastily organized, poorly executed, and incompletely done. I had help, but for some part, it was insufficient.

I had never been in the hospital for anything before. And after all I went through, I never want that ever again. 

In the new place, but...

Well, now I'm in the new place and I've had a lot of stuff to put up with. I think my health has taken a hit and I'm going to see my doctor today. I want it known I want my older sister held responsible in case I should pass away because of all the stress put on me because of having to move here. I fear I may have congestive heart failure or some sort. I've got abnormal swelling in my legs and in places and the leakage of fluids. Not fun. Tired and out of breath a lot of time.

I've had to put things in storage I didn't think I'd have to put in storage. I left a lot of valuable stuff back at the place I had lived for 12 years, 3 of those with my mom. Everybody's been saying how much better this place is or to move into another place and I have to disagree; this isn't better at all. It's stressful and a lot of things are more difficult - checking my mail has become a lot more difficult.

I just want known my older sister causing my death is something I want her to think about for the rest of her life. Her selfishness and her thoughtlessness for others is something she's going to have to deal with.

My greatest fear

My greatest fear is being alone when I die. I may have a cat nearby, but it makes me sad to think I could pass away alone in bed or sitting in a chair or on a couch, and Marmalade comes up to me to tap me with a paw to ask for food and I don't respond. He may then very well curl up on my lap or chest and wait for me to wake up. I don't know if I'll outlive my pet(s), but I'd hate to have to be alone when it happens and leave my cat by himself. How soon will I be found? Will my cat be able to summon help? This is something being married and having a family prevents.

It makes me cry to think about it. I'd rather not but it comes to mind from time to time. I wouldn't want Marmalade to suffer like that. I would hope family would take him in and let him live out his time with people who love him.

Having to move when I shouldn't have to

So.. I'm moving. Into a place I didn't really want to go into. It's a broom closet. Hogwarts professors have had better accommodations. I'm being forced to give up things, rehome one of my cats, and just end up somewhere I don't want to be. In the coming months, I'll chronicle things there and write some of the disruptive month I went through to get where I ended up.

Some things in there: I considered suicide but a video posted by Logan Paul around New Year's Day convinced me not to. That and I didn't want to have people who know me having to explain what happened to me.

You have no idea how many ways I investigated places to move to, plans if I hadn't won the lottery, and when I finally do, my plans after that.

And I will fill in the blanks of the abuse I've suffered. I may post videos.

Well, the prices are shocking, but low they are not. Sav not a lot

I didn't know this was coming out this week.