Things I hated from being in the hospital

I learned there are many things to dislike about hospitals. I had never been in one for my whole life up until this year. Now I'm suddenly thrust into the healthcare system and I have no idea what I'm in for.

They still do X-ray imaging. Each time one was done, I was reminded of how my mom earned an X-ray operator certificate but I never found out why she never got a job as an X-ray technician. Everywhere I went there was an X-ray done. They catch them digitally now. No film to develop. I would always ask for a 5x7 and some wallets and Christmas card prints, but they wouldn't give me any. Hey, I posed for you - that's the least you could do!

Ultrasounds of my heart and various other spots were interesting. I wanted a snippet of audio they got from my heart as a ringtone but never managed to get it. I rather liked them checking blood flow in my feet - I looked forward to hearing it.

I rather resented all the deciliters of blood drawn for testing. Not once was I told what they found. I resented the daily draws now that I found out the INR test can be done with a simple finger stick and needs a small drop of blood. I still don't know my blood type. I hated the sensation of the stick. If it hadn't been for my Asperger's, I might have gotten used to it, but sensory issues made the "pinch" feel like getting a roofing nail in my arm.

I once asked a nurse at Hillcrest when the daily blood draws ever stop, and she just laughed at me and said, "That's a joke." eh.... I guess not until I get discharged. And then even after getting to McKinley Health Care Center, they did it once or twice a week - still not told the results. So when the visiting nurse started coming here, she asked if my INR was stable, I had to tell her I didn't know because I was never told.

I also now detest catheters. I begged them to not put one in, but my demands were ignored. Embarrassing - I had my dignity surgically removed and shredded while in the hospital. 2 girls and a guy saw my tallywhacker as he got the tube in. I'm not proud of it - it's nothing special. I had hoped to wait until I was married before a girl I loved saw it.

I had painful pinching and uncomfortable sensations while it was in. Pulling it out was interesting to say the least. It was like suddenly feeling warmth in your urethra. Having control over your own urination was a gift from a god. I had to masturbate to make sure all the pipes were still fine, and to my relief, they were.

Having to shit in a bed pan in front of a nurse and 2 other girls was embarrassing. I don't know what they saw, but when I unloaded a mountain, they giggled a bit and had to leave the room. Well, I was not allowed out of bed for much of my time at Hillcrest. Having other people assist me when shitting was mortifying. I apologized every chance I could even when I was told this was their job to do. So you can imagine the amount of personal joy when at McKinley I was not just able to reach, but also able and alllowed to wipe myself.

Also, when you get admitted to a hospital and they ask you psychiatric questions, don't go and say you had thoughts of suicide and self harm. You get denied a lot of things and get treated in a crazy way. Hillcrest had me getting paper plates and plastic forks and spoons for meals -never saw a plastic knife once. Getting handled with kid gloves barely describes what I experienced. They even stole the flowers my aunt and a cousin sent from Texas.

Oh, I got more.

3.5 months later...

Well, here I am. Nearly 4 months later. Early in July, I had a visiting nurse from Aultman visit me and after seeing my leaky legs thought I could have had infected cellulitis. This brought up the ordeal my best friend's mother in law went through from her fight of it, some of which was spent in a coma as doctors figured out how to treat it. That scared me. So I voluntarily went to the ER at Alliance Community Hospital assisted by my younger sister. After almost a week there, I was transported to Cleveland Clinic's Hillcrest Hospital where I was for another 2 weeks. 

The physical and mental stress of being forced to move by an evil, promise-breaking, selfish, and ignorant Candice Castle (she is no longer considered family but estranged at best) nearly killed me. This whole ordeal should not have happened. It didn't need to happen. Hastily organized, poorly executed, and incompletely done. I had help, but for some part, it was insufficient.

I had never been in the hospital for anything before. And after all I went through, I never want that ever again. 

In the new place, but...

Well, now I'm in the new place and I've had a lot of stuff to put up with. I think my health has taken a hit and I'm going to see my doctor today. I want it known I want my older sister held responsible in case I should pass away because of all the stress put on me because of having to move here. I fear I may have congestive heart failure or some sort. I've got abnormal swelling in my legs and in places and the leakage of fluids. Not fun. Tired and out of breath a lot of time.

I've had to put things in storage I didn't think I'd have to put in storage. I left a lot of valuable stuff back at the place I had lived for 12 years, 3 of those with my mom. Everybody's been saying how much better this place is or to move into another place and I have to disagree; this isn't better at all. It's stressful and a lot of things are more difficult - checking my mail has become a lot more difficult.

I just want known my older sister causing my death is something I want her to think about for the rest of her life. Her selfishness and her thoughtlessness for others is something she's going to have to deal with.

My greatest fear

My greatest fear is being alone when I die. I may have a cat nearby, but it makes me sad to think I could pass away alone in bed or sitting in a chair or on a couch, and Marmalade comes up to me to tap me with a paw to ask for food and I don't respond. He may then very well curl up on my lap or chest and wait for me to wake up. I don't know if I'll outlive my pet(s), but I'd hate to have to be alone when it happens and leave my cat by himself. How soon will I be found? Will my cat be able to summon help? This is something being married and having a family prevents.

It makes me cry to think about it. I'd rather not but it comes to mind from time to time. I wouldn't want Marmalade to suffer like that. I would hope family would take him in and let him live out his time with people who love him.

Having to move when I shouldn't have to

So.. I'm moving. Into a place I didn't really want to go into. It's a broom closet. Hogwarts professors have had better accommodations. I'm being forced to give up things, rehome one of my cats, and just end up somewhere I don't want to be. In the coming months, I'll chronicle things there and write some of the disruptive month I went through to get where I ended up.

Some things in there: I considered suicide but a video posted by Logan Paul around New Year's Day convinced me not to. That and I didn't want to have people who know me having to explain what happened to me.

You have no idea how many ways I investigated places to move to, plans if I hadn't won the lottery, and when I finally do, my plans after that.

And I will fill in the blanks of the abuse I've suffered. I may post videos.

Well, the prices are shocking, but low they are not. Sav not a lot

I didn't know this was coming out this week.

To set the record straight...

In regard to one anime title...

妹さえいればいい
imouto sae ireba ii

ireba is a form of "iru" which can be read To Be, Stay, Keep, Be Doing, To Need



Instead of "A [younger] sister is all you need," the title is more like:

Good, if you need only a little sister

If all you are is a little sister, fine!

Let's break that down:
imouto - little sister
sae - ... even, only

ireba is already explained, so "ii" is Fine, Good, OK.

imout sae ireba - if you're only a little sister, or if you need only a little sister

ireba is the "if / when" verb form, so you can go further "Nice, when you need only a little sister!"

Translation of "Aishiteru" just to see if I could

I did this on a whim. Otherwise, I have no reason for doing this. May or may not be up to your standards, but it meets mine.

Sally Miura feat CLIFF EDGE – Aishiteru

たとえばキミに出逢わなければ
Tatoeba kimi ni deawanakereba
For example, if I hadn't met you by chance

今どんな未来歩いてたかな?
Ima donna mirai aruiteta kana ?
What kind of future had I been walking now, I wonder?
 
周りに流され誰かを好きになってたのかな?
Mawari ni nagasare dareka w(o) suki ni natteta no kana ?
Would I have liked being around someone who swept me away?

またなんとなく
Mata nan to naku
Somehow

Huu… Uu…


目が合った瞬間
Me ga atta shunkan
The moment our eyes met

映した瞳
Utsushita hitomi
Our eyes reflected

誓い重ねたIC 送信
Chikai kasaneta IC soushin
A vow sent on so many instant messages

たわいもないメールかき集めた
Tawaimonai MAIL kaki atsumeta
I collected all the silly emails

君への想いだけを走らせた
Kimi he no omoi dake w(o) hashiraseta
I ran only my feelings for you

I Pray 出会って全ての
I Pray deatte subete no
I pray we all meet by chance
 
タイミング & Feelin’ & おれとお前のKissin’
Timing & Feelin’ & ore to omae no Kissin’
Timing and Feelin' and Me and you Kissin'


アイシテル… アイシテル… アイシテル…?
Aishiteru … Aishiteru … Aishiteru …?
I love you... I love you... I love you...?
 
確かめたい不安だから (I love you miss you…)
Tashikametai fuan dakara (I love you miss you …)
I want to be sure, so I'm anxious (I love you miss you...)
 
アイシテル…アイシテル…　聞きたいよ
Aishiteru … Aishiteru … Kikitai yo
I love you... I love you... I want to hear it!

その声が好きだから
Sono koe ga suki dakara
Because I love that voice


淋しくて泣いていた花の様に (I love you miss you…)
Sabishikute naiteita hana no you ni (I love you miss you …)
I was lonely, crying like a flower (I love you miss you...)

いつの日もいつの日も君を待っていた…(miss you)
Itsu no hi mo itsu no hi mo kimi w(o) matteita … (miss you)
Day by day, I had been waiting for you
 
やさしさが怖かったあの頃に…
Yasashisa ga kowakatta ano goro ni …
Around that time, I was scared of your kindness...

さよなら今…ありがとう今…
Sayonara ima … Arigatou ima …
Goodbye now ... Thank you for now...

君のそばで　LOVE YOU…
Kimi no soba de LOVE YOU …
Beside you  LOVE YOU...


Forever love
Forever love
Missin’ you…


「まだ起きてたんだな こんな時間にどしたまた?」
Mada okiteta n da na konna jikan ni doshita mata ?
"I was still awake. How is it this time again?"

「へんな時間にメールごめんね」
Hen na jikan ni MAIL gomen ne
"I'm sorry to email you at a strange hour."

「お前と同じ気持ちでいつだって
Omae to onaji kimochi de itsu datte
"I always feel the same way as you

おれだってメール待ってるんだぜ」
Ore datte meeru matterun da ze
Because I'm waiting for your email."
 
「そんな事言われたらまた好きになる…」
Sonna koto iwaretara mata suki ni naru …
"If you said something like that again, I will love it..."

Huu… Uu…


付き合うまでは見えなかった
Tsukiau made wa mienakatta
Until we go out, I could not see you.

不安が二人を襲いだした
Fuan ga futari w(o) osoi dashita
Anxiety attacked the two of us

心配、勘ぐりはもういい
Shinpai , kanguri wa mou ii
Concerned, it's enough to be agitated

あの頃のやさしさが欲しい
Ano goro no yasashisa ga hoshii
I want the kindness of that time

一人の夜やけに 胸が痛い
Hitori no yoru yake ni mune ga itai
On an evening alone, my heart hurts
 
お前をいっそ独り占めしたい
Omae w(o) isso hitorijime shitai
I want to hold you all the more
(lit. I rather want to monopolize you)

アイシテル…アイシテル…アイシテル…?
Aishiteru … Aishiteru … Aishiteru …?
I love you... I love you... I love you...?
 
2人はきっと永遠だよね(I love you miss you…)
Futari wa kitto eien da yo ne (I love you miss you …)
The two of us will surely be eternal! (I love you miss you …)

シンジテル…シンジテル… 嘘でもいい
Shinjiteru … Shinjiteru … Uso demo ii
I believe... I believe.... but a lie is OK

あの日のkiss 嬉しかったよ
Ano hi no kiss ureshikatta yo
I was happy on that day we kissed!


トキメキは続いてる… 星空へ (I love you miss you…)
Tokimeki wa tsuduiteru … Hoshizora he (I love you miss you …)
My heart beating goes on... towards the starry sky (I love you miss you...)

どこまでも　どこまでも　キミに誓うから (miss you)
Doko made mo doko made mo kimi ni chikau kara (miss you)
No matter where, no matter where, since I pledge to you (miss you)

キミといる…それがきっといつの日か
Kimi to iru … Sore ga kitto itsu no hi ka
to be with you... Will that surely be someday?

かけがえない思い出に
Kakegaenai omoide ni
For irreplaceable memories

変わりますように　LOVE YOU…
Kawarimasu you ni LOVE YOU …
May we change  LOVE YOU...

Love you Love you Lovin’ you…

おれがお前のどこを好きになったかわかってるかい?
Ore ga omae no doko w(o) suki ni natta ka wakatteru kai ?
Do you know where I fell in love with you?

伝わってるかい?
Tsutawatteru kai ?
Shall I send it to you?

素直になれなくてゴメンね
Sunao ni narenakute gomen ne
I'm sorry I wasn't being honest.

強がったその顔じゃなく
Tsuyogatta sono kao ja naku
I bluffed without that face

着飾った姿でもなく
Kikazatta sugata demo naku
Even without my dressed figure

出会ったまま　あの時のまま
Deatta mama ano toki no mama
It's just as it is now as it was the time we met

お前のままで良いんだから
Omae no mama de ii n dakara
Because I'm OK with you as you are now


アイシテル… アイシテル… アイシテル…?
Aishiteru … Aishiteru … Aishiteru …?
I love you... I love you... I love you...?

確かめたい不安だから (I love you miss you…)
Tashikametai fuan dakara (I love you miss you …)
I want to be sure, so I'm anxious (I love you miss you...)

アイシテル…アイシテル…　聞きたいよ
Aishiteru … Aishiteru … Kikitai yo
I love you... I love you... I want to hear it!

その声が好きだから
Sono koe ga suki dakara
Because I love that voice


淋しくて泣いていた花の様に (I love you miss you…)
Sabishikute naiteita hana no you ni (I love you miss you …)
I was lonely, crying like a flower (I love you miss you...)
 
いつの日もいつの日も君を待っていた…(miss you)
Itsu no hi mo itsu no hi mo kimi w(o) matteita … (miss you)
Day by day, I had been waiting for you
 
やさしさが怖かったあの頃に…
Yasashisa ga kowakatta ano goro ni …
Around that time, I was scared of your kindness...
 
さよなら今…ありがとう今…
Sayonara ima … Arigatou ima …
Goodbye now ... Thank you for now...

君のそばで　LOVE YOU…
Kimi no soba de LOVE YOU …
Beside you  LOVE YOU...


Love you Love you アイシテル…
Love you Love you aishiteru …
Love you Love you I love you

Aldi's "Grain Salads"

Recently, I had the rare chance to buy something at Aldi's marked down to sell because it was a 'fresh' food item and the sell by date arrived a bit early and there was still more to go.

In this case, it was a selection of "Grain Salads." Normally $3.39, with $3 off stickers, which makes them 50 cents each. Bad math, right? I thought so, too. The cashier was completely unhelpful in my problem of being overcharged 88 cents.

At any rate, here are my assessments of the 4 different salads they had.

The Mango Edamame Quinoa was the worst of the bunch. The Jalapeño peppers ruined the flavor and was too much sting for this. I would try this with some grated Parmesean to offset it. Otherwise, just make it without the Jalapeños.

One called Tabouli could have been better. It was just too cool and refreshing. It could have used no Mint, less lemon (it already had cucumber and tomato in there), but add prepared mustard. 

The Curry Ginger Couscous was too dry and too sweet. Remove the raisins. Add more cumin but not enough to burn the mouth. Less lemon. I would add mustard to this one to counteract the unnecessary sweetness.

The best one to my surprise (and I wish I had bought more of it) was the Southwest Lentil salad.  All it needed was bacon bits and it was perfect!

Aldi's needs to address their Mustard Potato Salad. Whoever makes it needs to stop putting sugar in it, add red onions, and add hard boiled egg bits. That's how I make MY potato salad! It doesn't need any sugar!! Maybe celery seeds.