When I go to Aldi's, I pass by all the items Mom had me get in the past,
and every time I see them and not buy them I get so sad and depressed.
Every time I go shopping I think about what I'm not getting and I feel
so empty. It's a feeling I'd rather not have but I can't help it. It's
like I have no business or purpose in being there. It's just me that I'm
getting stuff for, and even then I don't freaking know what I'm going to
get aside from a short list of the same stuff I'd be there to get.
I really miss shopping for stuff with a list Mom made out. I hate how it
makes me feel anymore. I want her here so I have a reason to be at the
store.
A couple of nights ago I had a problem falling asleep. I realized I
don't know why my mom let herself go. I'd like to know what was going on
that day as she got back in bed. I don't remember her making any noises
or what. I feel guilty in that I didn't pay more attention. I wonder
what I missed. But my main problem is that I have questions, mainly
beginning with the word Why and I don't have the answers and it bugs me.
I laid there for a while and wondered all these whys I had and began
crying. I really want some answers and the one person who could answer
them isn't here to give them to me. I think some of those questions
partly blame my mom like Why did she let it happen? What was she trying
to do?
I think back to that day and the image of her in bed.
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