I was fine until I got home

My younger sister had our little family get together with my mom's
sister (our aunt) and her hubby at her home today. We had a nice meal
and all.

I took in the gifts for my nieces that I had and the 2 packages Mom had
managed to get earlier this year, and they liked them.

Then I got home and lost it. I sobbed. She didn't get a chance to do
more for them like she always would, spending money she didn't have. She
didn't get to see their faces as they saw the gifts she got for them.
And she won't be able to do that anymore. If you don't count the dolls
she bought when she was working - she intended to give them to her
granddaughters when they got old enough and had a place to put them. I
don't know when that will be. She obviously had some idea when they
would be able to have them.

I don't remember what else mom had bought over the net and I stored in
the extra room that she also intended to give them, but hopefully I will
be able to go through the room and maybe find something. I don't know.
It was pretty hard to give my youngest niece the Dora set that was still
here back in October right after mom passed away.

As a kid, I used to like this time of year. As an adult, I grew to hate
this time of year perhaps jaded because of worldly reality. I find
myself unable to reciprocate in a way I wish I could. But with my mom
not here anymore, it's just downright goddamn depressing.

I didn't have the annoyance of helping mom wrap gifts like last year.
There was no decorating. It's so bizarre that without her, I actually
miss doing that with her, except the decorating.

It's not fair she's not here anymore. She deserved better than she got.

I really need to find someone.